I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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