Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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