I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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