why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
