so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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