Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
