You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
In other news, I just burned my penis
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize