Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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