They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
