A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
