No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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