Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
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I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
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Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize