Apparently you make a good broom.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Bring me that man meat
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
