Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Randomize
