How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
