im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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