My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
