dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
