Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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