God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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