Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
