this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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