I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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