i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
