I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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