Your face is a jimmy john
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
