So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
