She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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