drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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