I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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