i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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