Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
