My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
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He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
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Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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