She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
