My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
