she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
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