the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
