I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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