you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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