I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
