I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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