If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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