I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
