Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
