Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
