I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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