my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
