You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
