Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
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You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.