Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
