I wish I could teleport
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
