me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
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Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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