I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
