he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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