There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize