If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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